Vagina Monologues

Vagina Monologues

On Saturday February, 3rd DeeJae Cox, of The Los Angeles Women's Theater Project,  directed a production of  The Vagina Monologues. She asked me to create a display that would tell the stories of sexual assault survivors. The first thing I thought of was a quilt. Quilts were an expression of women's art when there was no openness to or interest in the artistic expression of women. Quilts were a way that women could share the company of other women at a time when they were isolated from each other in farm, field or kitchen. Quilts were a way women kept their families warm. Quilts were a way women were good stewards of every scrap of fabric they possessed. Once constructed, quilts hold memories and tell stories.

There was not time to construct a proper, cloth quilt so I made one from paper. The pictures of the survivors on the quilt have jagged edges to represent the jagged marks left in their lives. The pictures are mounted on red paper, I think the red is self explanatory. And pink yarn tries it all together because I couldn't tie the quilt together with pussy hats.

I also constructed  a resistance banner and encouraged guests of the after party to have their picture taken in front of it and be the "I" in resist.  I was inspired by Coachella Valley Artist Clarissa  Cervantes. She had a beautiful resist banner at the 2017, Women Rising Event. 

Stories

Two different groups shared their stories. Some of them are #MeToo and some of them are #MeAt.  #MeAt, "Is a campaign to give a visual to the innocence lost by pedophiles." Susie Q Spite is the founder of the #MeAt campaign.  Some of the #MeAt did not share a story, simply a picture of themselves and the age at which they were assaulted. Following are some of their stories.

#MeAt 12 
when my teacher began molesting me. I have a recent confession from him that I provide to the LAPD. Because of the statute of limitations he is free to molest.

#MeAt 7 
when my neighbor molested me. He was my babysitter.

#MeAt 15 
when I was assaulted by our neighbor.

#MeAt 8 
when my father began molesting me and my sister. I told my mother but she didn't believe me. It has been a hard life for me and my sister. I hope more women speak up so that mothers will protect their children.

#MeAt 25 
when I was raped by my neighbor. 

#MeAt 2 
my uncle was caught abusing my sister and jailed. I was 2 when he took to me.

#MeAt 15 
when my brother molested me. It happened to me much younger but for now I remember this as the time it stopped because I ran away from home.

#MeAt 19 
when I was raped by my boss. I never said anything to anyone until recently.

#MeAt 16 
when my stepfather molested me. My mother knew and did nothing to save me. She has since passed. Mothers must try and help their children heal when complicity exists.
#Me At 5
when a family friend molested me at a family party. There was lots of drinking and my mother was drunk. I still carry resentment towards my mother because I told her. She didn't do anything and it happened again.
#MeAt
I don't have a picture of being molested by my father as a child.
#MeAt 10
when my aggressor, stepfather forced me to perform oral sex. He decided this was something he was going to continually do and he blackmailed me to keep quiet and not tell anyone, or my siblings and I would be separated from our mother. He continued doing this for fifteen years gradually increasing his desires to touching forced oral sex and eventually forced intercourse. At age 24 I met my current boyfriend,who, although he knew nothing of what was going on with me, understood me. He decided to take me in to live with him. Within a couple months I told him everything I had been through. He has been my rock and has helped encourage a positive change in my life. With the help I have received from CVSAS, my way of thinking and being is stronger and better than I would ever imagine.
#MeAt 60
I was caring for my mother in New York when I was awakened by the pain of something being inserted inside my vagina. My nightgown was pulled up to my neck and I was totally exposed. I froze and was disoriented. All I could hear was his voice saying, "doesn't that feel good" and "don't you like that?" That moment changed my world and left me powerless which led me to being homeless. One minute I was in New York and the very next moment I found myself riding a Sun Line bus in Palm Springs and ended up in a homeless shelter - and there is where my healing began.
#MeToo
The perpetrator was a man with whom I was interviewing for a job. He tried to rape me but I was faster. I left and told no one. It was 1983.
#MeToo
The perpetrator was a man, the store manager where I worked who said all I needed was a good stiff dick - his, to be exact - to knock me out of my lesbianism. I left and told no one. It was 1979.
#MeToo
The perpetrator was a fifteen-year-old boy who molested my four-year-old daughter. I told someone. I called the police. He was arrested. It was all I could do to not become the next perpetrator and kill him. It was 1977.
#MeToo
He was my cousin. He was a teenager and I was so young I don't remember my age at the time. He took me into the barn. I told my mother and she believed me but my aunt, his mother, did not.
#MeToo
The reason for my book cover.
#MeToo
He was one of our families' best friends. I had known him since I was three-years-old. He called me into the laundry room during my parents' Christmas party. He tried to kiss me. He put his hands on me.  He told me his marriage was not working. When my father confronted him about what he had done he said, "I can't believe she is bringing this up now."
#MeToo 
Left vulnerable at age 6.
#MeToo
I was sixteen-years-old at church camp. We were all in the pool playing volleyball. I felt someone grab my crotch. I got out of the pool and told the female counselors. Later, when I was sent to the camp director for counseling, he told me he was the one who grabbed me. He said he was surprised by my reaction.
#MeToo
Sexual assault survivor, Cosby survivor, Women's advocate, Mother, Grandmother, Warrior Woman speaking truth to power! Now, no better time.

Fear

Many of the women who shared their stories for the quilt are fearful that they will be recognized and do not want their names or stories shared. Understandably, many of us have lived with fear and shame for a very long time. Some of the #MeAt stories are those of men who were molested as boys.

Are We Making Any Progress?

I woke up at three A. M. praying that no one would molest her at church camp. 

I have written about this before. I thought once I admitted it to myself and others I would be fine. Then I woke to this early morning prayer. My great-niece left for a week at church camp the day before. I am exited for her. Church camp was a very special part of growing up. My last year as a camper the director of the camp grabber me between my legs much as the current inhabitant of the White House brags about doing to women. 

I have received many comments and questions about the cover of my book, Prostitutes, Virgins and Mothers: Questioning Teachings About Biblical Women.

I

I gave answers like, "Women have been hurt by patriarchal interpretations of women's biblical stories. The woman on the cover represents the pain I have seen in my own eyes after a particularly harsh chastisement of women based on patriarchal interpretations." I gave an answer like that to  Marg Herder, a woman I greatly respect and the Director of Public Information for the Evangelical Ecumenical Women's Caucus: Christian Feminism Today. She was writing a review of my book for the EEWC web page. The review can be found at this link. https://eewc.com/prostitutes-virgins-mothers-questioning-teachings-biblical-women/

Muscles Have Memory

After that correspondence with Marg I went to the gym. It is a good thing that the weight was really heavy and the music was really loud because I burst into tears. Not just tears, but the ugly cry. The flood of memory and emotion surrounding the grabbing incident and what followed, overwhelmed me. That was the first time I wrote or even talked about the experience. First to Marg, then on this blog. 

What Has Changed?

Almost 50 years later and I am praying for the safety of a fourteen-year-old girl at church camp. Almost 50 years later and the occupant of the White House brags about grabbing women's private parts. When I asked Marg if I could use her name in this blog she told me of a therapist friend who has seen an increase of women with PTSD because of experiences like mine. Having a man in the White House, who brags about molesting women has brought all those long buried feelings to the surface.
I am a Christian Feminist and I pray no one molests her or any other little girl or woman. 

Dangerous Women

It's Biblical

"If a man come upon a maiden that is not betrothed, takes her and has relations with her, and their deed is discovered, the man who had relations with her shall pay the girl's father fifty silver shekels and take her as his wife, because he has deflowered her. Moreover, he may not divorce her as long as he lives."

Deuteronomy 23:29

This art exhibit was created by Mirelle Honein to protest a law in Lebanon which, "allows rapist to avoid jail terms if they marry their victims." John, Tara; Time Magazine: May 15, 2017.  The exhibit features wedding dresses hanging by nooses. In April the cabinet of Lebanon revoked the law and  Parliament is scheduled to vote on it in May. 

What kind of horror would that be for a women to have to marry a man who has so horribly violated her? After a 16-year-old girl committed suicide when she was forced to marry her rapist the law was overturned in Morocco. According to the Time Magazine article referenced above, at least six countries in the region, "retail the loophole."

And now in Manchester, England

"Women should adorn themselves with proper conduct, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hairstyles and gold ornaments, or pearls, or expensive clothes, but rather, as befits women who profess reverence for God, with good deeds." 

1 Timothy 2:9-11

Under Taliban rule women may not go out of the house without a male family member to escort them. They must be covered from head to toe, their shoes must not make noise, their laughter must not be heard. The moment I heard of the bombing at the Ariana Grande concert I believed those young women and girls were targeted because they were not controlled by a man, they were not covered from head to toe and they were not silent. Ariana's concert tour is called, "Dangerous Woman Tour." These young women and girls are dangerous to the men who want to control their lives, their bodies and their reproductive abilities. 

Holy Books Used to Control Women

As a Christian I have experienced patriarchal interpretations of the Bible that are used to control and subordinate women and girls. I will not critique the Koran because it is not my holy book. I will critique the inhuman results of patriarchal interpretations of holy books which harm, seeks to control, subordinates or marginalize women. I will not be controlled!! I am a dangerous woman!

More Thoughts on Mother's Day

Single Mother on Mother's Day

Poet, Donna Fitzgerald, shared her memories of a Mother's Day past.  She said, "This Mother's Day I was reminded of going to church when Jen was little and how all the women earned praise except for the single mothers."

Mother's Day Poem by Donna Fitzgerald

The minister delivered his sermon 

to the overflowing congregation.

He mentions several biblical mothers:

Mary, the most honored.

Naomi, Rachel, Sarah.

He touts just how magnificent the

great pain and suffering needed 

to bring life into the world

and how

women so joyfully, 

bear the punishment for eating

that deadly apple.

He then asks the men 

to stand and bestow 

their praise on their wives of

whom they proudly boast

"The mother of my children"

as if they owned them,

their wives their private vessel.

These puffed-up men

who stand and honor their wives

on this one day of the year,

dressed in their very best,

waiting for the service to end 

and brunch to begin.

In the very last pew

sits a single woman and her child.

No praise is heaped 

upon her.

The service finished she returns home 

waiting for hypocrisy to end.

Why Do We Believe What We Believe About Biblical Women?

 So often the stories of biblical women are reduced to the lowest common denominator.  It wasn't a, "deadly apple." It was the fruit from The Tree of The Knowledge of Good and Evil.  Eve wanted to be more like God knowing good from evil. She couldn't have known it was wrong because she didn't know the difference between good and evil.  

Mary must have been the most incredible person! The Gospel of Luke calls her the favored one. She raised a young man on whose teaching a world religion is based and we have been taught to focus on her virginity.  What did Jesus learn from his mother?

Sarah, a mother well after menopause, was the only women through home the promise could be fulfilled. It was her only son Abraham considered sacrificing.

Bitter and cunning Naomi, who was saved by the love of her daughter-in-law.

Rachel, who took the family idols and hid them from her angry father by pretending she was having her period.

All mothers, yes, and so much more. Donna, like so many women, have been hurt by simplistic interpretations of biblical women.  I am thankful for Donna's creativity and how she has used her pain to share her talent with the rest of us.  

The Sacrifice of the Virgin Daughter of Jephthah

Where to find the story of Jephthah's Nameless Daughter

Jephthah's daughter is found in Judges 11:1-11 and 29-40.  Her father makes a vow to God that if he is successful in battle the first person to greet him, on his return, will be sacrificed   

Jephthah's Daughter Tells Her Story

I could see him coming from a long way off. I put on my dancing skirt and picked up my tambourine. I am his only daughter, his only child and I wanted to be the first to welcome him home in victory.  

"Why have you done this to me?" he yelled.  He started tearing his clothes and throwing dirt on his head. "You have caused me great trouble!  You have brought me very low."   

All I could do was stand there and listen to him rave about what I had done to him. He blamed me for his vow, for the violence he was about to do to me.  Who did he think would come out to greet him?  My mother and I were the two most obvious choices. He had vowed to sacrifice the first person to greet him and it was me.  He must have know it would be me or my mother.  

I hated him in that moment!  I knew that he would not relent.  I was doomed and I had to get away from him.  I left for two months. I told him I was going to bewail my virginity. That was something he could understand. My life was of no consequence to him.  He had decided how I would die but I decided when.  

The women of Israel will remember me. They will lament the sacrifice of a virgin daughter to a God who does not demand human sacrifice. 

Observations on the story of Jephthah's Daughter

Abraham vows to sacrifice Isaac but God intervenes at the last moment and Isaac is saved.  No such luck for the nameless daughter of Jephthah.  Ironically, Jephthah has just defeated the Ammonites who worship the god Molech.  The Ammonites practiced the sacrifice of their children to Molech.

Leviticus 18: 21 warns the Israelites not to sacrifice their children because the act profanes the name of God.  Leviticus 20: 2-5 prescribes the punishment of stoning to death for anyone who does sacrifice a child.  Where is the justice for Jephthah's daughter?  Not only is her father not stoned he is made the head of the elders and commander of the army.

One can only wonder at the motivation of a father and husband who vows to sacrifice the first person to greet him on his return home. He seems to have his, "Look what you have done to me" blaming the victim speech, all made up.  The story of Jephthah's daughter is tragic and the male biblical writer seems to believe that the fact that she is a virgin is even more tragic.  He sends her off to bewail her virginity, not her life.  But the women know and Judges 11:39b-40 says, "So there arose an Israelite custom that for four days every year the daughters of Israel would go out to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite." NRSV      

       

The Ordeal of A Suspected Adultress

Where to Find the Law Concerning A Suspected Adulteress

I usually write about specific women in the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures.  Many of the interpretations I have been taught or the way women are treated in scripture I find disrespectful at the least and in some cases abusive. Although I have read most of the Bible, I continue to discover women or verses about women that I do not remember reading before.  This little jewel is from Numbers 5:11-31. I suggest reading the biblical text before the story below.  

The Woman Suspected of Adultery Tells Her Story

I had to suffer the ordeal, the humiliation.  There was no evidence against me. There was no proof, no witnesses to any infidelity.  There was no infidelity.  My husband  had a vague feeling of jealousy, a spirit of jealously and because of our laws I am the one who had to suffer humiliation.  He forced me to go to the temple with an offering of barley meal. I had to stand there, holding the jealousy offering, with my hair uncovered.  "Tell the truth" the priest shouted at me.  "Have you had sex with another man? You are under the authority of your husband. What did you do to make him jealous?" They concocted a drink made of water, dirt from the floor and their words of accusation. "If your drink this water your belly will swell and your thighs will rot. You will become a curse among the people. If you are not guilty God will grant you children." I will never let that man near me again.  

I drank their water with the dirt from the floor and their words of the accusation.  My belly did not swell! My thighs did not rot.  "What is his punishment for false accusations? " I cried. "I did nothing but for me there is suspicion and humiliation."  The priest laughed,  "For him there is nothing.  He is guilty of nothing.  He followed the law concerning his vague feeling of jealously. Be grateful you are not cursed." 

Observations on the Law Concerning the Suspected Adulteress    

This is one of those commandments you are not going to see on a monument outside a courthouse.  The stupidity and injustice of this law is almost comical.  It is an appalling commandment said to be given by God to Moses.  Verse 14b -15a even says, "If a spirit of jealousy comes on him, and he is jealous of his wife, though she has not defiled herself; then the man shall bring his wife to the priest." The injustice of this law illustrates how patriarchy has tried to control women and women's sexuality across centuries and cultures.  Sadly, there are women who suffer this kind of injustice and humiliation.   

The Rape of Susanna

Where to find Susanna's Story

In the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, Susanna's story is found in the Apocryphal/Deuterocanonical books.  It is a stand alone story about a beautiful, pious, Jewish woman.  In the Catholic, The New American Bible: St. Joseph's Edition Susanna's story is chapter 13 of the book of Daniel.  In many Protestant Bibles, Susanna's story does not appear at all.

Susanna Tells Her Story

"I am completely trapped.  For if I do this, it will mean death for me; if I do not, I cannot escape your hands." Susanna says to the would be rapists, in Susanna 1:22     

They slunk into the garden while I was bathing.  How long had those voyeurs been hiding and watching me?  Where had they been hiding? How did they know I was alone?  How did they know I had sent my maids to get olive oil and ointment? 
They came rushing at me, "The garden doors are closed" they yelled.  "No one can see us.  You will have sex with us or we will testify against you. We will ruin you.  We will say we caught you having sex with a young man."  I was not going to give into those foul, old men so I cried out for help.   
They began shouting that they had found me with a man who was not my husband.  An accusation that was punishable by death. All my household came to see what the commotion was.  No one defended me.  The next day those odious, old men came to my home filled with their foul, wicked plan to have me put to death.  My husband, parents, children, relatives and servants were all there.  They all knew the kind of woman I am but still no one, not one defended me.  They listened to the lies.  The old frauds told how they were walking in the garden and saw me dismiss my maids.  They said a young man was hiding there and they saw us having sex.  Oh, they were eloquent in describing how they had tried to get the man, but he was to strong for them.  But they had captured me.  
When they pulled off my veil I knew it was just to get a better look at me.  They were going to have me killed but they couldn't hide their perversion from me or their desire to humiliate me.  
There was a man named Daniel in the group that was leading me to my execution. He told the group that he wanted no part in the shedding of my blood.  At that moment I was sure God had heard my prayers. He called them fools for not giving me a fair trial.  He demanded that we return to court.  He questioned my accusers separately and discovered their stories did not match.   
They were put to death for their false witness.  All my family rejoiced because I was innocent. But, if it hadn't been for Daniel they would have allowed me to be put to death without one word in my defense.  My relationship with them was irreparably damaged.

Observations on Susanna's Story

From the time I watched the movie Psycho, I knew to always lock the door and close the window when I took a bath or shower.  Bathing is a dangerous thing for women.  Then I watched The X Files and I learned that even if Scully locked her doors and windows when she took a bath, the alien was going to get her.  
Of course, Susanna is said to be a beautiful woman.  With the exception of Leah in Genesis, I can not think of a single woman in the Bible who is not describe as beautiful, if she is described at all.  Susanna is trapped.  If she gives into the elders and has sex with them she has committed adultery.  An act punishable by death.  If she does not have sex with them, they will accuse her of having sex with someone else.  An act punishable by death.  
Susanna courageously makes the choice to stay true to her convictions.  In a situation where she is not allowed a voice to defend herself she finds her voice to pray aloud to God, exclaiming her innocence. 
In the end, it is not Susanna who is proclaimed the s/hero of her own story.  Her fidelity to the law, her husband and her faith in God are not celebrated.  Rather it is the reputation of Daniel that is acclaimed.    

   

Queen Esther

Where to Find Queen Esther's Story

Esther is one of only two books named for a woman in the Protestant Bible and one of only three books named for a woman in the Catholic Bible.  Her story starts in chapter two after Queen Vashti has been deposed.  

Esther Tells Her Story

"You know that I hate the glory of the pagans, and abhor the bed of the uncircumcised or of any foreigner." Esther C:26

  News of what Vashti had done spread like wild fire.  The Queen had said, "No" to the king in the presence of all his officials and they were furious.  The women thought this might bring a change in our lives but the officials made laws that controlled our lives even more.  

None of us expected what happened next.  The king appointed officers in all the provinces.  They were to search for all the beautiful virgins in the empire and take them to the king's harem in Susa.  We were torn away from our families and any life that we had hoped to have for ourselves.  We were put under the guard of a eunuch whose title was "custodian of the women."  We were given oil of myrrh, perfumes, cosmetics and beatifying treatments.  

Every night one of us was taken to the king's bed.  We were allowed to take on thing with us. In the morning we were sent to another harem, guarded by another eunuch.  Now we were concubines.  If the king liked us he might call for us again.  Otherwise???

In the tenth month of my captivity I was taken to the king.  I pleased him and he made me his queen!?   No one was more surprised than I.  I had not yet told him that I was a Jew.    

My foster father, Mordecai hung around the palace gate.  He wanted to get information about me and find out what was going to happen to me.  While there he overheard a plot, between two guards who were planning to harm the king.  He got word to me and I told the king what Mordecai heard.  The guards were killed and Mordecai was rewarded.  

There was a very evil man named Haman in the court of the king.  He wanted everyone to bow down to him.  Everyone did, except Mordecai.  We are Jews.  We do not give the honor reserved for G*d to a mortal man.  So this evil man decided that every Jew in the nation, man, woman and child should be put to death and all their possessions seized.  He convinced the king to issue a decree that on 12/13 every Jew should be slaughtered by the citizens of the empire.  It was a horrible thing for my people to face.  

Mordecai totally fell to pieces.  He tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes and walked through the city, up to the palace gates wailing and crying.  No one is allowed to enter the gates in sackcloth, so I sent a eunuch to him with fresh clothes.  When the eunuch returned he gave me a message from Mordecai.  I was to beg the king for the lives of my people.

I had not been summoned to the king in 30 days.  Appearing before the king when one is not summoned is an offense punishable by death.  I wept and prayed along with my servants.  If I did not go before the king, all the Jews would be killed.  If I did go before the king, I would be killed first and then all the Jews.  It was clear to me that if my people were to be saved I was the one who had to do it.       

I bathed and dressed in my finest, royal attire.  I was terrified and leaned on my maid for support.  When I reached the king he looked up at me with such anger that I fainted.  When I awoke he was holding me and talking gently to me.  I had a plan to invite the king and Haman to a dinner which I would prepared.  I wanted to stay in the king's good graces and I wanted Haman to let down his guard.  I hosted two such dinners.  While the king was drinking wine at the second dinner I begged the king for my life and the life of my people.  I emphasized that the death of all the Jews would be a great financial loss to the empire.  As I hoped the king became angry and asked who had planned such a disaster.  Haman was petrified.  The king stormed out into the garden.  Haman began to beg for his life.  His final mistake was throwing himself on me.  When the king returned he thought Haman was violating me.  Haman's fate was sealed.

The Jews were saved.  The community celebrated the days that were meant for our destruction with feasting and rejoicing.  We called the celebration Purim and I commanded that Purim should be celebrated  every year.

Observation on the Story of Queen Esther

Not all commentators have been impressed with Esther.  As Sidnie Ann White points out in The Women's Bible Commentary, "The tendency among scholars was to exalt Mordecai as the true hero of the tale and to downplay or even vilify the role of Esther.  As late as 1971 Carey More stated, 'Between Mordecai and Esther the greater hero in the Hebrew is Mordecai, who supplied the brains while Esther simply follows his directions' (Moore, p.lii)" In the text Mordecai asks Esther to plead for her people, he uses shame to convince her of what he believes to be her duty, but he does not offer a plan. 

Other commentators, ignoring the fact that refusing the king's harem would have meant her death have  criticized her for becoming a member of the harem.  The implication being that she was there to gain power and wealth.  
  
Esther enters her story as the powerless, sex slave of a powerful king.  At the close of her story she is a powerful queen who has manipulated her circumstances and saved not only her own life but the life of all the Jewish people.  Like many women before and after her she has made a way for herself where there was no way.     



         

My Book Cove

Her Hands

The only aspect of the cover I have not explained are her hands.  I was once informed that red nail polish is a sign of the devil.  Only her pinkie finger shows but in the original image all her nails are painted red.  I wear red nail polish most of the time and my hands are not a sign of the devil.    

Her Image

Following is a response to my blog.  "Hi Paula, I just read your blog post and I really understand all of what you are saying and I think that your book cover does represent all women." Following that post I got a correspondence from Christians For Biblical Equality.  They are soliciting funds for a partner organization in Africa.  They write, "EFOGE is struggling to bring change to a deeply patriarchal society that uses the Bible to fan fires of domestic and gender based violence and many social vices."  Before I had confronted my personal feelings about the bloody halo, I would have said it represented the horror of the Bible being used to fan flames of violence and the damage done to women by patriarchal interpretations of the Bible. 

   

 Marg, in her questions wrote, "I really like the book, but the cover just doesn't seem to serve it.  I see your target as Christian women (and some men perhaps) curious to read a more balanced presentation of women in the Bible.  Or feminist women looking to gain a new appreciation for biblical portrayals of women.  The cover seems like it targets young adult males looking for something dangerous and sexual."  Women's bodies, if not for public consumption, are dangerous.  God forbid a woman breast feed in public or make her own reproductive choices.   Women's bodies are sexual.  Barnes and Nobel sees a naked woman on my cover, not fit for their religion department.  

She is not for consumption!  She is looking directly into the eyes of whom ever is holding the book, not submissive or apologetic but some what sorrowful.        

 I recently filmed a Youtube video for the book.  The interviewer asked me to explain the cover.  For the first time I had to talk about being molested.  I told my husband and sisters before I posted the first blog about the cover, but I had never talked openly about those experiences.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  It must have affected me more that I realized because the next day my annoying arrhythmia, which has not bothered me for years, flared up.  My heart started flopping around like a fish out of water.  It has been good to face the pain I see in her blue eyes.

Healing

When I look at her I see me living in a woman's body.  She is me praying and bleeding and longing for things to be different.  She is me and I love her praying, bleeding, sorrowful, straightforward self.    

My Book Cover

Her Body

Marg asks, "Why use a female image that has been so obviously photoshopped when this book is about how accurate portrayals of women in the Bible have been obscured by patriarchal and cultural expectations?"  In the original image, the body of the woman on the cover is visible from halo to hipbones.  I did not want her to be sexualized and requested the book designer tear the image to obscure most of her body.  From the feedback I have received, it seems there is no way to present a woman's body that is not seen as sexual.  Barnes and Noble will not carry the book in the religion department of their store because, the buyer for the religion section is reluctant to put a naked woman in her religion section.  I walked through Barnes and Noble and took pictures of book covers that displayed much more of a woman's body than my book cover.  Granted, not in the religion section.  

Living In A Woman's Body 

The photoshop question never accrued to me.  I see in her the image of my younger blond haired, blue eyed self.  She is the image of me living in a woman's body that is, "obscured by patriarchal and cultural expectations."  A body that is never thin enough, or never has big enough breasts and is always in danger of being exploited.  That is just my experience.  A Unitarian Universalist minister shared her experience of growing up with big breasts and the, "patriarchal and cultural expectations"  that resulted from having breasts that were too big.    

Women's Bodies

Patriarchy is not comfortable with woman's bodies, not on display for public consumption.  A good example is the ruccus over breast feeding mothers.  Patriarchy is not comfortable with women's bodies that do not conform to current standards of beauty.  A woman's body my be praised for the curve of her breast but not the curve of her belly.  Bellys should be flat.  Patriarchy is not comfortable with women's bodies that are not controlled by someone other than the woman herself.  I Googled, "Number of laws regulating women's bodies."  The first statistic I got is that in the first quarter of 2013 Republicans pushed 700 new laws to regulate women's bodies.     littlegreenfootballs.com/.../298529_Republicans_P...

I see my younger self in this cover, praying and bleeding and longing for things to be different.  

My Book Cover

 Her Face and Hair

Marg asked, "Why use a white woman model, blond hair and blue eyes?  This is a book about middle eastern women."  

It was with surprise that I realized, when I look at her I see my younger self.  I see her messy blond hair and remember all the people who told me, "Your hair is so flyaway, it's like corn silk can't you do anything with it?"  Or the teacher in junior high who met me at the door every day with a rubber band.  I was not allowed in class until my hair was pulled tight in a ponytail.  

I look into her blue eyes and I see the sorrow I have so often seen in my own blue eyes.  When I was about four-years-old my mother sent me to a Bible study class.  The teacher asked if there was anyone who was not a sinner.  I raised my hand because my momma always told me I was a good little girl.  The teacher's reaction was swift and brutal.  Probably the reason I remember it 56 years later. 

On the face of the model, I see the pain from decades of sitting in church hearing again and again that I am a sinner and responsible for all the evil in the world, because of Eve.  I see in her face the pain of hearing that Bathsheba was a temptress, Mary Magdalene was a prostitute and Jezebel, Delilah and so many other women were all sinner and destroyers of holy men.  

Depictions of "Holy" Women

When I began looking at images for my cover, I found very traditional images.  Women with their hair covered and their eyes down cast.  Women with their hair covered and their arms out stretched, looking up.  Old women, nursing women, half naked women talking to fully clothed men, crying women, blissful women, submissive women, women with golden halos, nuns, icons and saints.

Yes, biblical women are middle eastern women and do not look like the woman on the cover.  The book is about biblical women and it is for me. It is for all women and men who are questioning what they have been taught about biblical women.  

Healing

I dyed my hair red.  It is just as out-of-control as it was when I was a child and I like it that way.  It is fluffy.

I still see sorrow in my blue eyes sometimes but now, like the woman on the book, my gaze is direct,  no apology, no submission.  To quote Pete Townshend, "I don't need to be forgiven."  I no longer feel the pain of male interpretations of biblical women but anger at how those interpretations are used to control and limit women.  The biblical character Eve is not the reason for all the evil in the world and neither am I.  Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute.  Bathsheba was not a temptress.  David was a voyeur and a rapist.  Jezebel was a woman following her own religious tradition.  Delilah was involved with a mean, egotistical man.  I can and do interpret biblical women for myself and the sorrowful, blond haired, blue eyed woman on the cover represents the decades it has taken to get me here.  

In my next blog post I will address Marg's questions about the woman's body.

 

My Book Cover

The Bloody Halo

Marg Herder, Director of Public Information for the EEWC Christian Feminism Today asked me some important questions about the image on the cover of my book. I am happy to answer her questions and explain what this image represents to me.  She asks, "What is the meaning of the blood dripping halo?" The first time I was molested by a "man of God" was at church camp.  Many of the campers and counselors were in the pool playing volley ball and someone  grabbed me between my legs. I didn't know who had done it.  I jumped out of the pool and told the female counselors what had happened.  I thought they would tell the director and he would find out who it was.  One of counselors was the wife of the director.  Later that evening the director apologized for grabbing me and told me he was surprised at my reaction.  I guess he thought I would like it.   

Molestation

Webster's Dictionary gives this definition for molest, "To bother, annoy or persecute: to accost sexually.  This happened five different times.  Two camp directors, one church pastor, one youth minister and one regional pastor.  Each time left my teenage self feeling guilty, dirty and ashamed as if my very presence had made these "men of God sin." I had never shared this with anyone until I shared it with Marg, April 21 of this year.

Healing

Thanks in large part to the feminists in my life I have learned that this was not my fault.  Those men, who my parents and I trusted are the shame.  The bloody halo represents the pain I carried for years as a result of the actions of those molesters who pass themselves off as "men of God." 

In my next post I will address Marg's question, "Why use a white woman model, blond hair and blue eyes? This book is about middle eastern women."  

Another Woman Raped

Tamar, the Daughter of King David

Where to find Tamar's story

Tamar was the beautiful daughter of King David and Maacah one of David's many wives.  She was raped by her half-brother Amnon.  Her brother Absalom killed Amnon.  The Bible says the reason for the killing was revenge for the rape.  Her story is told to validate Absalom's killing of Amnon, but with Amnon out of the way Absalom was next in line to be king.  Her story is told in 2 Samuel 13:1-37 

Tamar Tells Her Story

"No, my brother, do not force me; for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do anything so vile!"  Tamar said to Amnon in, 2 Samuel 13:12.

I could not stand to be around him.  He was always leering at me, making suggestive remarks, touching me when no one was looking.  I tried to stay away from him but our father sent me to take care of him when he got sick.  I knew he was faking.  I did not think I was in any real danger.  I was after all, a virgin and the daughter of the king.  

He watched me as I made the cakes he requested.  When they were ready he sent everyone away and asked me to come to his bedroom and feed him the cakes.  I thought he was just being creepy.  "Let me eat them from you hand" he whined.  When I entered the room he grabbed me and said he wanted to have sex with me.  I begged him not to do anything so vile.  I begged him not to shame me.  I begged him to ask our father if he could marry me.  I knew our father would say no and once he saw  the kind of man Amnon was it would be easier for me to stay away from him.  

It was no use.  He was stronger than me and I could not fight him off.  He raped me.  His rape was not about love but loathing and the desire to have power over me.  He had ruined me. I beg him to marry me as our law requires.  I said, "No, my brother; for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me."  He would not listen.  He had his servant throw me out and called me, "this woman."  He didn't even use my name.  I tore the robe I was wearing.  It was the mark of the virgin daughter of the king.  I put ashes on my head as a symbol of mourning and ran to my brothers house, crying all the way.  There was nothing left for me now.  I was not a virgin.  I would never marry and have a home of my own.  I would live in the home of my brother and serve him.  My brother tried to comfort me but I was desolate.

  

When our father found out about my rape he was angry but he did not punish Amnon.  I was of less value to him than his firstborn son. 

 

Two years later my brother killed Amnon.  He was very cleaver in biding his time.  He waited until the celebration of the sheep shearing and when Amnon was drunk he ordered his servant to kill him.  Absalom went into hiding for three years.

Observations on Tamar's Story

The cover of the winter/spring 2014 issue of MS. magazine declares, "1 in 5 Women Students on College Campuses Will Experience Sexual Assault"  One of the more blood chilling statistics reported is, 63 percent of men who admitted committing rape or attempted rape had raped an average of 6 women.  Another chilling statistic is that 1.5 million women are raped or assaulted by an intimate partner every year in the U.S.  

Tamar's rape is a vehicle, a literary device presented to further the stories of the male biblical heroes.  We are not told about her life before the rape.  We are told that she was beautiful as if that is all that matters.  After the rape we know that she was a desolate woman living in her brother's home.  We are also told in 2 Samuel 14:27 that a daughter named Tamar was born to Absalom.  Miriam Therese Winter asks the question, "Was she Tamar's daughter?" 

I was never taught about the rape of Tamar in Sunday School or the laws which require a rape victim to marry her rapist.  Would the statistics of rape and assault be different if the church confronted these biblical stories of rape and assault?  If the church condemned the actions of the attacker would it make a difference?  Would there be less blaming of the victim if there were serious consequences for the rapist?  What difference would it make if this story were told, not as an incident in the life of a biblical hero but as the sad and ruined life of a biblical woman? 

Women's Voices

Using or Losing our Voices:

I drove home thinking, "but it is my voice."

Two interesting, intersecting incidences happened this week.  First, I went to an ear, nose and throat Dr.  who told me I needed voice therapy.  Really?  I've been talking most of my life and I'm pretty good at it.  Second, the publicist who works for Personhood Press requested an endorsement from a Pentecostal professor for Prostitutes, Virgins and Mothers: Questioning Teachings About Biblical Women.

The Pentecostal professor could not endorse my work because he noted an, "echo of frustration" in my writing.  If an echo of frustration is all he detected I wrote really well.  He suggested that an editor rework the manuscript to remove that frustration.  In other words take my  voice out of my manuscript.   

I went to the voice therapist.  "Your voice is to breathy," she told me.  "Yes, I've been told that my whole life."  "Your voice is to low," she said.  "I know it has always been low."  "Here are some exercises to change you voice," she added as she handed me a yellow folder.

I drove home thinking, "but it is my voice.  I want my voice.  I like my voice." 

Women's Voices:

Both these encounters aimed at changing my voice.  One physically the other religiously and I suppose politically as well.  Both wanted to make my voice more acceptable, less abrasive to them.  I have written the book I have written because I am more than frustrated and I speak with the voice I do because it is my voice.  It my not be acceptable to all but I intend to use it physically, religiously, politically and any other way I can.  What about you?

Rape

Rape:

Courageous Clarity speaks out about the rape of a 14-year-old girl by her teacher.  Her eventual suicide as a result of that rape and the 30 day jail sentence of her rapist.  

This crime came to my attention as I contemplated the rape and impregnation of a 15-year-old girl in Concord, New Hampshire.  She was raped by an adult member of her church.  Her pastor Rev. Charles Phelps made her apologize to the wife of her rapist and the entire congregation.  He told her she was lucky that she didn't live in Old Testament times because she would have been stoned to death.  The rapist in New Hampshire got 15-30 years.  In the rape described above, the rapist got 30 days.  I think the pain on the face of the young woman in the video expresses the horror I feel as I see how little women and girls are valued.  

Tina Anderson, the rape survivor wanted her name publicized to highlight church abuse.  

  

Anthony Weiner and Bathsheba

Anthony Weiner and Bathsheba

On Friday, June 26, 2009 South Caroline governor Mark Sanford apologized to his cabinet for his extramarital affair.  The reporter from Good Morning America, John Hendren, who reported on the governor's apology introduced the governor saying, "comparing himself to the biblical king who gave into the temptress Bathsheba…"  It happened again this morning with the Anthony Weiner mess.  The commentator attempted to excuse Anthony Weiner's behavior, using a comparison to David and Bathsheba.  Let's be clear David was a powerful man who spied on a young powerless woman, had her taken from her home, had sex with her, sent her home and when he found out she was pregnant had her husband killed.  Sounds more like rape than giving into a temptress.  

Anthony Weiner

The commentator then went on to compare Mr. Weiner to Presidents Kennedy and Clinton and to explain that we have set the bar very low and do not expect much from our political leaders.    There is no excuse.  Forgiveness, yes, but making excuses for powerful men who abuse their power with sexual misconduct, no.  

Bathsheba

Bathsheba did not ask for what happened to her.  The prophet Nathan is reported to be her ally.  It hardly seems likely that he would have been an ally to the temptress of the king. Stop scapegoating Bathsheba and other women.  Let Mark Sanford and Anthony Weiner take responsibility for their own bad behavior and choices.  

Religious Fear of Menstruation

 Why are Men and Religions Afraid of Menstruation? 

The attached article concerning an India woman who was charged with a "deliberate and malicious"  crime against religious people because she entered a temple to worship while she was menstruating, is a  contemporary example of  women's experience globally and generationally. The Hebrew and Christian Scriptures give us examples of this fear of menstruation.  Leviticus 15: 19-30 prescribes the number of days a woman and anything she touches will be unclean because of menstruation or hemorrhage.  The story of the Hemorrhaging Woman found in Mark 5:25-34, Luke 8:43-48 and Matthew 9:20-22 is the story of a woman who had been unclean and untouchable for twelve years.  She reached out and touched Jesus making him unclean.  He offered not rebuke but healing.

Why are girls taught to fear their own bodily functions?

Fear producing colloquialisms like, "the curse"are used to name menstruation.  It is simply appalling that a woman's natural, necessary bodily functions are negatively labeled and used to restrict her movement and actions.  In Genesis 1:27 women and men are created in the image and likeness of God and in 1:28 they are told to multiply.  Without menstruation there is no multiplication.        
  Religious fear of menstruation.

How do we change?

If we are to change these attitudes we must teach girls and women to treasure their bodies, created in the image and likeness of divinity.  A divinity, which in some wonderful way must be female.  We must teach woman and girls that menstruation is not a curse, but a gift given to the female gender by the divine.  A gift which allows woman to bring forth life from their bodies.  

Biblical Women

What Have We Been Taught About Biblical Women?

I was having lunch with a friend on Saturday and she asked, "What do your want people to get out of your book?"  I thought back to my experience at Liberty University, being told that I could not be ordained because, "God doesn't call women."  "Well, I believe I am called"  was my response.  "Than you better discern who's call you are listening to."  The implication being that there was something satanic about my belief that I had a genuine call to ordained ministry.  I experience this same attitude in the Roman Catholic Church, which is why I am currently attending Pathfinder Church of the Risen Christ.  A Catholic Community, not associated with Rome, where all are welcome.

I also thought about what I had been taught concerning biblical women over the years.  In my Feminist Dr. on Ministry program I learned the word, conscientization.   My interpretation of conscientization is that moment when my experience does not match what I have been taught.  My ah ha moment came during a Sunday School lesson about the "temptress" Bathsheba although I did not recognize it at the time.  I sat there thinking, "wait a minute, she was spied upon by a powerful man while she was taking a bath, (everyone knows that if a woman takes a bath in a movie something bad is going to happen to her) the spy finds out who her husband is but doesn't care, he sends other guys to take her from her home, he has sex with her, he send her back to her home, when he finds out she is pregnant he tries to pass the baby off as her husband's, when that doesn't work he has her husband killed.  And she is the temptress and he is the man after God's own heart?  

Understanding Biblical Women

The answer to my friends question is this.  I would like my book to be a catalyst for reexamination of biblical interpretations that have been handed down to us.  Interpretations which have been used to limit the full  participation of women in the church.  Interpretations which misrepresent biblical women as, bad, prostitutes, virgins or mothers when they are so much more.  I would like my book to encourage readers to learn who wrote the books of the Bible, to whom they were written and when they were written.  

Empowering Women

Half the human experience of divinity is the female experience. Women who are created in the image and likeness of God.  The Bible is so much more than proof texts, taken out of context to prove a point.  I would like my book to encourage women to interpret biblical women using women's experience as we develop biblical literacy.   

      

Violence Against Woman

Violence Against Women

This picture showed up in my email the other day with a petition to Amazon to take the product off their web site.  It is a practice shooting target called The Ex-girlfriend.  The woman priest at my church, upon reading my blog about the Levite's Concubine, remarked that biblical desensitization to violence against women affects desensitization to violence against women today.    In what way does this image of a shot, bleeding woman further desensitize  people to violence?  What does it reveal about those using this target?  What if the target were a man of color or a child instead of a sexualized, woman?  Would Amazon need to be petitioned to remove the image or the product? 

The Levites Violence

Violence Against Women

I came across the story below on a web site titled, All True Bible Studies for Children.  What do you think?

The Story of the Levite's Concubine

Judges 19:10 - 20:48
Just before midnight one night, Beth heard someone pounding on the front door of their house. "Hello in there! Hello! Let me in," shouted a man. "Give me a bunch of money!"
This frightened Beth and she hid under the covers.
A minute later, Beth heard her father come into the room. "Beth," said her father, "would you please go to the front door and see what the man wants?"
Beth was scared, but she knew that it would be a sin to disobey her father. She got up, put on her bunny slippers and her robe, and went to the front door while her father returned to bed.
By the time Beth got to the front door, the man wasn't there any more. She peeked out through the curtains and saw him peeing on the lawn. Then he just walked away.
Even when she was back in bed Beth felt very upset. She started to cry and her sobs brought her mother into her room.
"What's the matter, Dear One?" her mother asked.
"Daddy asked me to go see the strange man at the door," sobbed Beth. "But the man scared me. Why didn't Daddy just go himself and see who it was?"
Beth's mother sat at the side of the bed and ran a hand across Beth's hair comfortingly. "There's a story in the Bible that explains it all, Dear One," said her mother.
And this is the story she told:

One day a Levite and his concubine were traveling through Jebus. It was late and the servant said, "Let's find a place to stay and turn in for the night."
"I don't want to stop in a town unless Israelites live there," said the Levite. "Let's go to Gibeah or Ramah."
So they kept going and didn't reach Gibeah -- one of Benjamin's cities -- until after it was dark.
They couldn't find anyplace to stay in Gibeah so they sat in the street.
While they were sitting, an old man on his way home from work came up to them and said, "Where are you going? Where do you come from?"
The Levite answered, "We're going from Bethlehemjudah to the side of mount Ephraim, where I'm from, and I went to Bethlehemjudah, but now we're on our way to God's place, but there's nobody to take me into his house. We've got straw and food for our donkeys and bread and wine for me and my companions so we don't want anything."
"Peace," said the old man. "I'll take care of you, just don't spend the night in the street." Then he brought them to his house, fed their donkeys, washed their feet, and gave them something to eat.
While they were partying, some men from the city, Belial's sons, surrounded the house and pounded on the door. "Send out the man who's visiting you so we can put our penises in him," they yelled.
The old man went to them and said, "No, brothers, no. Please, don't be so naughty. This guy is my guest, don't be so silly. Look, here's my daughter who's never had a penis put in her and the guy's concubine. I'll bring them out for you to dominate. You can do with them what ever you think is a good idea. Just leave the man alone."
The men weren't really listening. They took the concubine and put their penises in her and beat her all night. The next morning, they let her go.
When the sun was just starting to come up, the concubine fell down in front of the old man's house and lay there.
When it was full light, the Levite got up and opened the door of the house and started to leave. On his way out, he found his concubine lying just at the edge of the door.
The Levite picked up his concubine and said, "Get up, let's get going." But she didn't say anything.
Seeing that she was dead, the man put her on his donkey and took her home. At home, he got a knife and cut her into twelve pieces which he sent all over Israel.
When people saw the pieces they said, "This is the worst thing that has happened since we left Egypt." In fact, the Israelites got so mad that a bunch of them went to Gibeah, killed everyone they could find (including the animals) and burned down all the cities in the area.

"So you see," said Beth's mother, "the strange man might have hurt your father. That's why he sent you to the door instead."
Beth thought about this for a moment. "But in the story the girl who goes outside gets beat up until she is dead."
"That's true, Dear One," said her mother. "But she was only a girl. It's not a great loss. And people from other towns made sure that the people who did the bad thing were punished along with their wives, children, and pets."
"But why do the animals have to die? They didn't do anything bad and they don't even know what's going on."
Her mother smiled. "It's because God is a just God, Dear One, and animals are just animals. Now go to sleep; pleasant dreams." And with that, she kissed Beth on the cheek and went back to her own room.
Then Beth pulled the covers over her head and lay awake all night, hoping that the strange man would not come back with a bunch of drunken friends and demand to put their penises in her. All her questions had been answered.


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